AVON LAKE — It’s a statistic that would surprise most, every year 4,000 women are killed by their intimate partner.
It is their husband, boyfriend, or lover who take their lives.
Holly Dembie was one of those women. Dembie’s husband, William Dembie, a corrections officer with the Lorain County Sheriff’s Office for 13 years, called the department Thursday and told them he killed his 33-year-old wife.
This is what Marilyn Zeidner works so hard to fight against everyday along with Genesis House Domestic Violence Center.
According to the Genesis House shelter’s website, domestic violence can be defined as “Abuse is a pattern of physically and emotionally violent and coercive behaviors that one person uses to exercise power and control over another,” the website states.
“It’s emotional, psychological, financial, physical and sexual, it’s everything,” said Zeidner, director of Genesis House. “We all fall in love the same way,” she said. “You want your partner to be with you ... everyone is the same way.
“But, if you happen to fall in love with an abuser, then that is going to start limiting your world,” Zeidner said.
In a perfect world, picking out the good from the bad would be like picking peaches, the bruises and rotten parts would be visible from the outside. While this isn’t a perfect world there are tell tale signs people can watch out for.
“Extreme jealousy, possessiveness, if there is a history in the family,” Zeidner said.
As, she pointed out, abuse can be passed from generation to generation in a lot of cases.
“There are almost always indicators and people often ignore them,” she said. “(They think) It’s shameful for them to think that the person who is supposed to love them the most would hurt them.”
That love is also used against the victims to make them think it is their fault. “They often put it, ‘If you didn’t do that then I wouldn’t have had to do this,” she said of the abuser. “It puts the blame onto the victim and he or she may accept that for a while because it’s so confusing to have the person that loves you hurt you.”
With the confusion not only coming from the person in a relationship, it can be seen by the friends and family of the person as well.
Regardless, it can not hurt to bring up the issue if you feel something is wrong.
“You might have to say 100 times or 500 times, ‘I’m concerned for your safety’ and ‘I’m concerned for the safety of your children,’” she said. There are numerous resources for those who might be in an abusive relationship or know someone that is.
Groups such as the Genesis House Shelter offer temporary housing to those who have escaped an abusive relationship. They offer support groups, a hotline, and legal advice to women seeking a way out.
“We have a program for people with disabilities,” she said. “There is probably an 85 percent risk if you have a disability.”
The shelter is set up at an undisclosed location to help keep the women and children protected from their abuser.
“We accept families that are trying to get away and are not trying to be found,” she said.
But, as she pointed out, a person will only leave an abusive relationship when they are ready to do so.
“They should make a safety plan,” she said. Also setting aside money and important papers, such as school records, is something that should be done.
Of the 4,000 women who are killed each year, 75 percent of them are killed while they are trying to leave or shortly after they have left an abusive relationship. “That is the most dangerous time,” she said.
The one thing Zeidner made sure to point out was that the abuse received in these relationships is deliberate. Regardless of whether it’s physical or emotional or mental, it has real consequences. For help, the Genesis House shelter can be reached at 440-244-1853 or at genesishouseshelter.com.
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