Article: Domestic violence: It's everyone's problem

WATERVILLE -- The message was loud and clear Friday: Everyone must help stop domestic violence by intervening in abusive situations and reporting them to police.
And since most cases of domestic violence are perpetrated by men, men must take the lead in helping to stop the madness.
Police Chief Joseph Massey and other men told a crowd that gathered Friday outside City Hall that domestic violence is everyone's problem.
The gathering came in the wake of two area domestic violence incidents in the last two weeks that left six dead.
"Domestic violence is not just a police problem, it's all of our problem, It's society's problem," Massey said.
Without help from vigilant family members, friends and co-workers talking to abusers and victims and calling police on every incident, inroads will never be made in curbing domestic violence, Massey said.
If you see someone being abused, intervene -- within reason -- and tell him it is not right, according to Massey. And call police.
"I call on the men individually, collectively: You need to step up to the plate," he said.
Friday's rally outside City Hall, attended by about 75 people, was organized by Karen Heck, co-creator of the nonprofit organization Hardy Girls, Healthy Women.
"My name is Karen Heck and I called this press conference because I'm sick and tired of waking up in the morning to news that more women and children have been killed by men who were supposed to have loved them," she told the crowd.
Amy Lake and her children, Monica and Coty, of Dexter, were killed Monday by Lake's estranged husband, Steven Lake, who then killed himself, according to police. Sarah Gordon of Winslow was killed June 6 by her husband, Nathaniel Gordon, who then killed himself, police said.
Heck invited Massey, City Administrator Michael Roy and other men to speak out and say that good men do not hit, punch, kick, threaten or kill the women and children in their lives.
We must commit to changing the discussion from "why doesn't she leave?" to "why does he abuse?" Heck said.
"Let me be clear: men who love the members of their families do not kill them. No matter how clearly I say that though, our culture chooses not to listen to the voices of women."
Heck said we must stop believing that love has anything to do with a perpetrator's actions and understand that it is, instead, a desire to exercise control and power over a victim.
"I know there are some who will object to the use of the word, 'he' here, but we also must face the fact that 'he' is the perpetrator in nine out of 10 cases of domestic violence and not spend time arguing the fact," she said. "There are female perpetrators, but out of the 11 domestic violence killings just this year in Maine, all of the perpetrators were men."
Roy said the city a few years ago adopted a domestic violence workplace policy and the city provides counseling and opportunities for people to come forward when issues arise.
"We try to do everything we can in the workplace, to make it safer and supportive," he said. "What ultimately matters is that all of us have to become part of the solution instead of part of the problem -- especially men."
Gary Hammond, owner of Hammond Tractor Co., told a story of a former employee, a woman he identified only as "courageous Nancy," who was killed by her selfish, abusive and jealous husband.
Even after the man was unfaithful and sought a divorce, the man would not leave his wife alone, Hammond said.
One day, her husbandasked to go to her house; she was uncomfortable about it and Hammond insisted he go with her, but she declined.
"She, being so strong and independent, refused to let me come," Hammond recalled.
The man went to her home and killed her and then himself, according to Hammond.
Hammond said creating a supportive workplace environment, talking to the person needing help and developing a workplace policy is critical.
"Mostly, you should show them that you care," he said. "If every person can try to do these positive actions, perhaps we, as individuals, can help abused people and maybe start saving their lives."
John Dalton, president and chief executive officer of Inland Hospital, said he was there to speak for more than 600 women who work for the hospital. He said that in his 31 years in the field, there was never a time where there wasn't at least one protective order in place against someone abusing an employee.
Emergency room employees are vigilant when an abusive spouse comes in with a victim, he said.
"We will prosecute. It is zero tolerance and I'm sorry, guys -- this is how it has to be."
Jon Heath, director of Menswork, a batterers' intervention program, said his organization works with those convicted of domestic violence, teaching them to respect women and understand that when men abuse, it is all about meeting their own needs. They must take responsibility for their actions and be held accountable, Heath said. He urged people to speak up when they witness abuse.
In the audience Friday was Mark Tappan, an author and chairman of the education program at Colby College. Tappan said it is important for coaches, parents and others who work with boys to avoid telling them to toughen up or "man up," and instead, help raise them in healthy ways.
Tappan, who works with men and boys, said a lot of research shows that encouraging boys to be tough can turn toxic, with violence being the result.
Men should talk to boys about male entitlement -- which men learn in this culture -- male privilege, control and power -- and about treating women with equality and respect, he said.
A funeral for Amy Lake and her children, Monica and Coty, of Dexter, is at 10 a.m. today at Dexter Regional High School. Steven Lake's funeral was Friday.
Amy Calder -- 861-9247