BY CHRIS KRIDLER
FLORIDA TODAY
olanda Garvin-Williams' workplace seemed like her one safe zone -- safe from abuse at home and from her estranged husband, Jeremiah Williams, who is now charged with her murder.
It was not safe on June 8, the Monday morning when the 30-year-old certified nursing assistant was fatally shot in the parking lot at Parrish Medical Center in Titusville. Workers and Parrish executives wanted to know why.
http://www.floridatoday.com/graphics/bits/orange_arrow.gif"> http://www.floridatoday.com/section/news28" TARGET="_new">SPECIAL REPORT: Domestic violence in Brevard | http://www.floridatoday.com/graphics/bits/orange_arrow.gif"> http://www.floridatoday.com/apps/pbcs.dll/section?category=videonetwork&videoID=1304448493" TARGET="_new">VIDEO: Death prompts new look at domestic violence
"This is a really close-knit department," said Kathy Myer, Garvin-Williams' supervisor and the director of women's services at Parrish, who knew her employee to be cheerful, caring and quiet. "It was devastating when it happened because everybody sat back and said, 'Boy, what did we miss?' "
"Yolanda never expressed, never discussed, never even revealed in her mannerisms that she was a victim of domestic violence," said George Mikitarian, Parrish president and CEO.
The shocking death inspired Parrish to implement mandatory domestic violence education for its employees, offer financial help and emergency transportation and aspire to become a haven for victims. A public forum on the topic will take place there at 6 p.m. Thursday.
The case also prompted outrage among victims' groups, partly because of questions raised about Garvin-Williams, who had left her husband but did not follow through on an injunction she had filed against him.
"Whenever the conversation started to turn toward looking at her fault in the whole thing, it sort of made me more angry than I could remember ever being about the issue," said Melody Keeth, executive director of Serene Harbor, a Brevard County shelter that helps victims start a new life.
"I want to raise the awareness, and I want to change people's thinking in the community, because the community is the only place that can support a victim."
As advocates know, and as survivors learn, the violence is not their fault.
"There's always hope," said Cindy Mitchell, executive director of the Salvation Army's domestic violence program in Brevard. "There's always a way out."
The barriers may seem overwhelming: threats, finances, worries about children. But the many survivors FLORIDA TODAY interviewed -- who have been nurses, political activists and business owners -- had a common message for people suffering under an abuser: Don't wait too long.
Recognizing signs
Control lies at the heart of domestic abuse, which affects 22.1 percent of women and 7.4 percent of men at some point in their lives, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. In Florida in 2007, there were 115,150 reported cases of domestic violence, according to the Florida Department of Law Enforcement. Experts say the actual number is likely much higher because victims are ashamed or afraid to come forward.
The signs of control may appear early in a relationship.
"I thought they were love signs," said Vicki Seidel of Viera, now happily married for more than 35 years to her second husband. "The jealousy was wonderful because, I thought, 'He really loves me.' "
Right out of high school in New York, Seidel met her first husband. It was the 1960s, and people didn't talk about domestic violence. "It escalated once we were really alone," she said.
When her fiance hit her during an argument at a drive-in movie, she broke it off. He cried. He apologized. She agreed to get back together.
"After that, it was just very little, subtle things," Seidel recalled. "If we were at a party or something and he didn't like what I was doing, he'd pinch me on my leg, like 'knock it off' . . . to control how my personality was."
Once they were married, they moved to Georgia. He was in the military and further isolated her by selling her car and buying one only he could use. He moved them to a remote trailer park. He controlled the money and played mind games with her, hiding her rings, then berating her for losing them. He collected guns, and in front of friends -- his friends, because she wasn't allowed to have any -- played Russian roulette with her life.
She asked the base chaplain for help, but he said that making a fuss would be bad for her husband's career.
"You are really brainwashed," Seidel said, "where you are so frightened to leave. . . . First, they terrorize you, and they promise you they're going to get your family, and you know from what they do to you that they can hurt your family. So you're not going to leave. You stay there and take it."
She began to pray that he would die. She even thought about killing him. Then, when her husband wasn't home, a neighbor knocked on the door.
"He said, 'I know what's going on,' " Seidel recalled. " 'If you would like to pack a bag, I'll take you to the airport, and I'll get you on a plane.' "
With $20 in her pocket and dressed in her honeymoon suit, the only decent outfit she had, she flew home to New York. Later, she divorced her husband.
Safety and support
Domestic violence hotlines and shelters help victims create a personalized safety plan for their escape, teaching them to gather important papers and leave quietly.
"If she's been in this relationship, she's probably been hearing how worthless she is, how she's never going to make it and that she could be injured or killed if she leaves," said Cassandra Schalkham, family and outreach case manager at Serene Harbor. "That first step of leaving is going to be scary but ultimately empowering for her."
The shelter provides a stable place for women and their children, offers initial counseling and helps connect victims with jobs.
The Women's Center in Melbourne is not a shelter, but it offers victims practical help and legal advice, along with free counseling and some billed sessions that are based on income.
For many, getting past the abuser's "brainwashing" takes years.
"There's so many common themes, and that's why our domestic violence support group helps people so much," said Sue Kiley, director of victims' services and clinical director at the Women's Center.
Wanda Puig's husband moved their family to Brevard from Puerto Rico. Isolated from her relatives and threatened with knives and death, she tried to leave a few times but always went back.
"When I lived here, that was my jail because he didn't want me to go outside," Puig said. "He didn't want me to have a friend."
She tried to get help from the Women's Center, but her husband found out and discouraged her. When she left for the last time, he found her again. But this time, she didn't go back. The Women's Center helped her with food and rent and also helped connect her with other services she needed.
Puig is still in therapy. She quotes Eleanor Roosevelt: "A woman is like a tea bag: You never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water."
Learning to be free
Roberta Sampere teaches English at Brevard Community College in Palm Bay. She's remarried and confident after escaping her abuser many years ago. She married him at 23, after her first marriage broke up.
Her description of him is typical: "He treated me like I was special and a princess or whatever. He was just great, and we got married really quickly."
Within about three months of their marriage, he hit her.
"He became a very controlling, very demanding drunk, and it's hard to explain how it happens, but somehow, you get to understand, or I got to understand, that there was nothing I could do about it because if I did, he would hunt me down and find me," she said.
They lived on an isolated farm in the Great Plains. He shot the dog, she said: The implied threat was that he would shoot her, too. She was with him for 13 years, but when she saw how he abused a visiting relative, she realized that "it was him and not me."
She decided to leave with the help of a friend and went to a shelter. She got therapy through a veteran benefit, got a divorce, quickly wrapped up a master's degree and moved to Florida without a forwarding address.
Though he located her and called her, she eventually realized that she was free.
"Once they're free of them and those chains aren't on them, they can just soar," she said of survivors. "If they do nothing else, though, they have to get counseling to make them see how strong they are inside."
Early intervention
Many survivors have tragic stories, not just about themselves, but about their children, who were abused or became victims or abusers. Some victims became victims in childhood and learned a pattern they duplicated as adults.
The Women's Center offers counseling to children to try to break the cycle.
Serene Harbor and the Salvation Army have begun a seven-session program for third-graders that's going into two schools this year, said Nancy Peltonen, Serene Harbor operations director. Instead of talking about abuse directly, it aims to prevent violence by talking about healthy relationships.
The Titusville Police Department also does classroom presentations aimed at teens.
"It's amazing, No. 1, what's going on at this age," said Amelia Bray, who was the department's domestic violence officer for more than four years. She'd like to see the training made a regular part of ninth-grade orientation.
"They don't realize that their boyfriend picking up their phone and going through their call logs and telling them what a piece of crap they are because they've talked to all these people is a red flag," she said.
Increase in cases
Domestic violence may be getting worse. Serene Harbor's Keeth noted a 37 percent increase in the number of victims who have sought shelter in Florida this year.
"I think the economic times are causing more stress," added Kiley of the Women's Center. "We're having an increase in numbers, too."
Parrish Medical Center's effort to educate employees could foster a support network for victims and a greater willingness to talk about the problem. It also could serve as a model for other companies.
"If our vision is healing families, healing communities," Parrish's Mikitarian said, "this all of a sudden is put in the context of, 'This is what we need to learn.' "
Parrish and other local agencies are adamant that their support networks could make a difference for victims.
"I think the most important thing you can do is encourage them to get help and help them to understand that they're not jumping off a cliff into the abyss and the unknown," Keeth said. "People have come before them -- many, many people. We provide about 6,000 nights of shelter a year. That's a lot of people reaching out to us. Those people have all reached out and moved on."
Contact Kridler at 242-3633 or ckridler@floridatoday.com. Coming Monday: The bad economy may be increasing domestic violence.
Additional Facts
Warning signs
If you notice this behavior in your partner, you might be in an abusive relationship:
Calls you names or insults you
Criticizes or humiliates you in front of others
Prevents you from going to work or school
Tries to control what you wear, where you go and your contact with other people
Controls your finances and restricts your money
Acts jealous and accuses you of being unfaithful
Forces you into sexual acts against your will
Threatens you with violence or a weapon
Hits, chokes or otherwise hurts you, children or pets
Tells you that you deserve the abuse
Makes you feel stupid or crazy
Makes you nervous or feel as if you are "walking on eggshells"
Blames violence on alcohol or drugs
No comments:
Post a Comment